In times of need, we often turn to those closest to us for support, hoping they’ll be our rock in the storm. But what happens when they can’t meet our expectations? In my last post How To Understand Your Emotions & Help Yourself I talked about being able to recognise and sit with our feelings and we explored what it feels like to ride the wave instead of masking or dumbing them down and how to build an emotional toolkit for these times.

One suggestion was to confide in loved ones and ask for their support. But, how do we cope with the disappointment when those we hope to lean on seem to distance themselves from our struggles? When they can’t or won’t be there for you?

Just as we have to accept not everyone will like us, we also have to accept that there may be times when the person we have singled out to be our confidant, may not actually want the role. They may not be equipped to help you in the ways that you need. I speak from experience when I say that in the past, during times of emotional vunerability, I too have wanted to seek comfort and closeness from certain people only to realise they cannot rise to my expectations.

It’s a work in progress, I have to admit! However, I’m getting better at managing myself and not taking it so personally. Saying “Help” is one of the hardest, bravest and kindest things we can do for ourselves. Sometimes we’re just saying it to the wrong people. It is reasonable to expect our nearest and dearest to be there for us to some extent. We choose our friends and partners because we want connection and we should have it and give it for the most part.

Usually, it’s not that people don’t want to help. Maybe the one you’re asking doesn’t have the capacity or they’re skating thin ice right now and have little enough for themselves. And yes, sometimes it can be that they just don’t empathise with you right now. We need to check our expectations are not too demanding.

The person you want it to be often won’t be the one who actually reaches out to help. Accepting that, on top of the problems you may already be having, is not easy. What is wonderful is that people you least expect suddenly show up for you. Ones you didn’t realise were watching or admiring you. Ones you didn’t notice, who actually can become good friends, given the chance.

HERE ARE SOME WAYS TO TALK YOURSELF INTO A BETTER FRAME OF MIND.

Coping with Disappointment:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s natural to feel disappointed when the people we rely on aren’t there for us. Allow yourself to acknowledge and process these emotions without judgment.
2. Seek Understanding: Try to understand why they may not be able to provide the support you need. Remember, everyone has their own limitations and struggles.
3. Focus on Self-Compassion: Instead of blaming yourself or others, practice self-compassion. Recognise that it’s ok to feel let down, but it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person. Tell yourself “It’s not me.” And believe it!

Asking for Help:

1. Be Clear and Direct: When asking for help, be clear about what you need without placing blame. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without making demands. Be honest. “I’ve realised that I’m not doing so good and need some extra support right now.”
2. Express Appreciation: Acknowledge any support they have provided in the past and thank them for their willingness to listen.
3. Offer Them an Out: Let them know it’s okay if they’re unable to help at the moment. Reassure them that you understand and respect their boundaries.

Recognising Boundaries:

1. Pay Attention to Patterns: If someone consistently distances themselves from your struggles, it may be a sign that they’re not equipped to provide the support you need.
2. Respect Their Limits: Understand that not everyone is capable of being a reliable source of support, and that’s ok. Respect their boundaries and seek support elsewhere if needed. This is hard if you’ve put them on a pedestal already, but you must let it go.
3. Prioritise Your Well-being: Ultimately, prioritise your own well-being. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, even if they’re not the ones you initially turned to. It is healthy to have different friends for different things. If the person you wanted it to be can’t, then resist the urge to sink deeper and isolate yourself. Contact some other trusted friends or relatives and ask them to meet up.
4. Talk: Without bad-mouthing or naming and shaming, explain that you’re experiencing disappointment already, to those who are willing to listen and help. Knowing that you are feeling “bruised” and unheard will prepare them and help them to assist you with feelings of negativity/the sense that nothing is going right. They can then steer you in the direction of talking about your actual problems rather than dwelling on what you are unable to change about others.

Remember, seeking support is a two-way street. While it’s important to lean on others during difficult times, it’s also crucial to respect their boundaries and limitations. Seeking support in a respectful manner will build healthier relationships and a stronger support network in which you can also gift your time and understanding.

Have you ever experienced feelings of disappointment when seeking comfort of loved ones? Did you work through it using the above ideas or do you have other helpful suggestions? I’d love to hear your thoughts so please comment below and be sure to subscribe to read my next post – a huge list of suggestions for your building your emotional toolkit!

© 2024 Juliette Proffitt

• Instagram
• Facebook

Feature Photo by Emma Bauso: https://www.pexels.com