I became a mother at time when parenting gurus were becoming very popular in the UK. Miriam Stoppard had been a firm household favourite for decades but times were changing. Gina Ford and Jo Frost were making their way into books and onto our TV’s.

I’m not going to lie, I owe a lot to these women because from the start, I needed to be a very independent and capable mum. I wanted to raise my children differently. I was a child of the 80’s and whilst I had hugely loving parents and extended family, there were lots of ways in which I knew I could “be the change” in order that my own children grow up well rounded for a world where attitudes were changing for the better. I don’t think my parents raised me badly, far from it, but I knew there were things I wanted to do differently and that I would be challenged.

What these parenting experts did for me, was to give me the conviction, confidence and belief in myself that I could do this on my own if I needed to. I could be a capable mother, manage, learn and raise good kids. And that last was the part that I got stuck on for a while.

I felt that raising good kids was down to me and if they weren’t, that was a reflection not only of my capabilities but also how I chose to raise them.

I thrived as a young mum in my twenties. Four children, five years old and under and I had it all under control. We were running smoothly, a great regular daytime and bedtime routine. The children were very happy and so was I. We were incredibly blessed. Life was good and so were the children.

The Cracks Began To Show

But then suddenly they weren’t babies anymore. They were little individuals with different feelings and opinions. Like and dislikes.

I was still doing all the right things and using all the right words. It wasn’t forced for me – It came easy that I should take time to explain things to my children if they were frustrated. They were not naughty, even if their behaviour was less than desired and I was careful never to label them bad. But in all my time doing this and many other ways in which I broke down previous generational barriers, I failed to see that some of the techniques I was using were still having a negative effect on my children without intention.

I was patient and kind. Firm but fair. However there were times I misjudged what they were capable of.

I understood that consequences should always be relevant and were a great tool but now I am much older and wiser I realise most minor misdemeanours could have been ignored. Organic cause and effect with a simple explanation or a two way discussion works far better than sending them to their room.

Cheeky behaviour was always quickly addressed – but resulted in my children feeling like I couldnt take a joke or be silly at times.

The Wrong Solution

I began to use reward charts and my children responded very well to them, especially when they then went to school and the system there was similar. We had lots of charts. Chore charts, bucket filling, kindness charts, good behaviour charts, good work charts. My intention was to encourage my children, excite them with the prospect of a sensible reward and also display at their level of understanding, how to end each day on a positive. I had good communication with them. For quite a long time the system worked.

However, after a while, I realised was that it were making my children compete with each other in unhealthy ways and causing jealsousy. I had a niggling feeling that they had begun to “feel bad” if they “didn’t quite make it” and if that were the case then “Does mummy think I’m bad too?”

Around the same time I became pregnant with my fifth child and was no longer a shy young woman. I was much more mature and had a great deal more wisdom. I was more determined to do things my own way. The defining moment came when one of my children told me their name card had been moved onto the “Sad Cloud” at school because they were bad.

Trusting My Instincts

I knew there must be better ways of doing things. My childrens self worth was more important than anything. I took a leap of faith and banished reward charts from our home. I replaced them with Friday Pots instead that contained a small handful of sweets that said “I love you. You are enough.” They never had to earn these treats and no one got more or less than anyone else.

Many other supposedly effective parenting tools that I had utilised for years were left by the wayside, as I realised how little value they had and how little they served my children. It didn’t happen overnight but I discovered the biggest “reward” was for me. Seeing my children’s self esteem improve and knowing they could feel sure of my love for them was priceless.

As a young mum I had a lot to learn but for the most part I think I was trying my best and doing it well. What worked for us then was mostly right because of the life we had. Now, our life is unrecognisable and we have all grown and changed.

It was my children who taught me how to be brave. Brave enough to go against the grain and not to care what others were doing with their kids. They dared me to change more of the pre conceived ideas on how children should be raised than I even thought I needed to or could. They were always good and kind and they always will be enough.

You can read about more of the changes we made for the better here: 5 Parenting Tools I Ditched & Alternatives That Worked Best

© 2024 Juliette Proffitt

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