Living with teens can often leave me feeling like the bad guy even though I know I’m not. I am of the mind that I should try my hardest as much as is humanly possible but that it’s important to remember that I am imperfect.

I have had the conversation many times with my older children about how as a parent we are expected to know it all and get it right from the start. Well, after all, there is a lot at stake. But what I’ve come to realise, over nearly 20 years of being a parent, is that I was never just a Mum during that time. I have also been a woman navigating life and facing challenges, having aspirations and desires of my own.

I’ve put it to my children that whilst they and society may be expecting perfection, I am actually no different than the children I bore. I am growing, learning, experiencing and changing every day. I’ve asked them to consider that when they were born, I became a mother and that is not the same mother they have today. I am not even the same woman anymore.

I have spent nearly two decades of my life, listening to and watching my children. Learning who they are and what works and what doesn’t for them. I have been saddened by some of my misinformed years. When I chose to parent in ways that I no longer would. I wish I could have been a little braver in my twenties so that I was less concerned with my children’s attendance record when they were at school or their being polite and not appearing disruptive. I wish that I could have cared less about those things then. But it wasn’t the time.

I cannot change what was then because even though I got things wrong at times, I was still doing my best. I remember how important it was to me, that I be doing so. My children were my world then and still are now. I can apologise for my mistakes but as soon knew I’d made one, I put it right or upped my game. It is for this reason, that I try not to dwell on regrets. I don’t regret living my life and learning for myself and neither should my kids.

I have come to the conclusion that like me, most parents are actually, just doing the best they can with what they have. I am still hanging on to my right to grow and change. My younger children benefit from a mother who is braver and stronger. One who has experienced more of life and who can hear what isn’t being said and to say what isn’t being seen.

My older children have the Mummy they need me to be. Full of love for them, decisive, quietly confident and always on hand. Nothing is different there. However, they have been there for the changes too. Those I made to the way I manage and run our home. How my parenting style shifted in positive ways. They have a mother who will talk about anything with them whenever they need it. The parent I wanted to be just needed time to become and now I get to parent them more mindfully. What young adult doesn’t need gentleness, compassion and understanding?

I am not ever going to be a quiet parent or a normal mum doing normal things. I will never parent as gently as the media defines the term to be. Like when they pierce their own belly button or laugh at you right in your face – you have to give yourself grace for how you react.

I am firm when needed. I will step in and make decisions without my children’s input at times if I feel they are charging through life, with no regard for either themselves or others.

I can take a lot. As a mother, I am sometimes the scapegoat for my children’s blame being the “convenient target” for their frustrations and grievances. I’m the default parent when they project their feelings of anger, disappointment, or resentment often because it’s me who is the primary caregiver and a constant presence in their lives. I try to give to the one who needs me most at that time.

Sometimes I want to sit down on the floor and cry great, big, fat, ugly tears when it feels like I’m being wrung out in my own home. To hold my hands out and say “I have nothing. None of the tools I’ve learned will help this time.” It can take a while (and a bit of distance) to remember they are learning who to grow into by what they can try out on me.

I know I will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life. I hope I never stop learning, growing and changing as a mother and a woman. Whether or not my children occasionally see me as the “Bad Guy” and don’t feel like looking at me or talking to me I will take pride in being their constant, safe person. One that can bring the feeling of home with me whenever and wherever they need me most.

© 2024 Juliette Proffitt